The Relationship with Yourself
The change you want on the outside must begin from the inside.
Most things that matter happen on the inside. Most of the struggling we face on the outside, or externally, is a reflection of what is happening on the inside.
We are like computers, what you feed in is what you’ll get, hence the saying ‘garbage in, garbage out.’
I have struggled with staying true to personal commitments — habits and routines like exercising 4 days a week, not checking my phone every now and then during work and overcoming addictions, as most of us have.
I have read self-help books (I still do) with the goal of becoming a better person, but I always overlooked one most important condition — the relationship I have with myself.
Our brains control over 90% of what we do. Our brains are also very rebellious. That’s why we doze. You want to stay up reading a book but your brain thinks your body needs some rest, so you doze off.
Many productivity experts have developed formulas and methods of tricking the brain (and the body) to achieve certain goals. I myself find The Pomodoro Technique to be really useful from time to time. How effective these external triggers are is also a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. This is something most people miss. When we set New Year resolutions and ditch them by the second week of January, this says something about us. Maybe it’s because we tolerate lying to ourselves?
We have an inherently conflicted mind-body system. Our brains and bodies are always insistent on doing things differently, yet some people have learned to discipline themselves to be able to achieve everything they want to do with relative ease. They’ve natured a good relationship with themselves to do what they set out to do, and stick to the plan despite the body craving something else. How do they do it?
We always judge others, whether intentionally or not, basing on everything that happens on the outside. We judge them by the way they dress, speak, laugh, walk, eat, and many other ways. This judgement may not necessarily be negative, but how often do we judge ourselves on the same metric as others? And how often do we analyze the errors in our judgment?
How are you dealing with the things you don’t tolerate in others? If you don’t like people who lie, for example, how often do you go on lying to yourself and others? What are the things we hate in others that we ourselves are struggling with?
How often have we first made the change in our own lives that we want to see in others? This is how we do not become hypocrites. All these are questions worth answering.
I know that I would have tremendous respect for myself if I kept all the commitment I made to myself. This is the relationship I want to have with myself. This is what will give me confidence to pursue the external goals, knowing that the struggle inside is worn over.
They say you can’t properly love someone if you don’t love yourself first. This makes sense because how would you know how to love someone else if you’re unable to love yourself first? Do you want to remove the proverbial stick in someone’s eye yet you have a log in your own?
The relationship we have with ourselves matters more than our external relationships. We can see this from the many examples society has given us of public figures who have died from drugs addictions, suicide, or who have engaged in extreme scandals while their external lives looked similar to perfect. Think about it, there has to be serious issues going on in a celeb’s life for them to contemplate suicide.
Jim Carrey said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
We neglect our relationship with ourselves mostly from the desire to please others, while we ourselves are not happy with the choices we are making. Or maybe we think that by doing certain things we’ll be happy but we discover that on the inside we are actually empty.
Marcus Aurelius said “be tolerant with others and strict with yourself” to remind you that how you direct your life paves the way to every other life task that matters. He perfected the art of self-reflection, and for that he is still remembered today (not that it would matter to him anyway).
So ask yourself today, does meekness and humility begin with me? Do I empathize and sympathize with myself? Am I an embodiment of what I what to see in others?
Remember, charity begins at home.
